Watching the English

As we all know, there can be nothing more entertaining than indulging in a bit of people-watching.

Sitting outside a cafe, sipping a coffee, watching the world go by.

It doesn't take long before you begin to spot patterns of behaviour among the passers-by: the etiquette when two people bump into one another; how we behave when introduced to strangers; unspoken rules of weather-speak and, above all, queuing.

That's right. I've been watching the English.

I have been observing the unconscious codes that the English live by inorder to understand what it is to be an English person.

And my results, in forensic detail, examines the unspoken rules of the invisible queue in the pub - there may be no orderly line, but we instinctively know who is next and woe betide anyone who dares be so un-English as to barge in before their turn.

Queuing forms a major part of the essence of being English. I think it is a stereotype, but there are strict rules to be adhered to.

I once tried to see what would happen if one pushed in a queue. The very idea made me feel unease. I could barely bring myself to do it. What! I'm behaving like an English man.

But there are other codes which they (English) live by: the Importance of Not Being Earnest Rule underpinning their entire being: ' Seriousness is acceptable, solemnity is prohibited. Sincerity is allowed, earnestness is strictly forbidden. Pomposity and self-importance are outlawed.'

But other maxims are just as important for the English, such as humour.They may not have the monopoly on irony, but the way in which it is used is important and unique.

The English are excruciatingly embarrassed in most social situations (except when drunk - there is always an exception to the rules); terribly uncomfortable when discussing money; awfully polite.

The reflex-apology rule is widely evident, saying sorry to someone if they've bumped into them; uptight when it comes to sharing food, except when they eat chips then there's a free-for-all.

This is an outsider's perspective, combined with an academic study of a culture with its quirks and strange habits with great self-deprecating humour, another trait of the folk of England.

For those of you who look at the English and wonder why they do what they do. Now you know.